


How do I Tell Him?

by AwatereJones



Category: Torchwood
Genre: F/M, M/M, Post-Episode: s01e04 Cyberwoman
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-14
Updated: 2018-05-13
Packaged: 2018-11-14 01:01:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 11,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11197164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AwatereJones/pseuds/AwatereJones
Summary: Lisa is dead. Ianto is pushed out onto the street and told to bugger off for a month. This one-shot is a possible senario of his random thoughts as he shuffles away from the carnage. ALT VERSE, please don't flameSo another chap because you all wanted to know if he's OK.  Lord!





	1. Chapter 1

How could I tell him?

I stood there as he pushed me gently out the door and told me to go home.

Home.

Everything I owned, everything that owned me, it was all inside that door that closed in my face.

I knew he could not hear me, the blood rushing as he tried not to snarl at me and I knew that if I said anything at all it would come out as another apology and he might actually shoot me. If I know one thing about this man it was that he means it.

So I shuffle along the sidewalk knowing he is watching me on the camera and then slide off through the park. I also know he stops watching me here, he always does as his CCTV feed logs tell me so and I am now free to change direction.

It is too late for the bed that would have been waiting if I had left at my usual time so I go to the station where the locker sits waiting, pulling out my necklace and the key jangles against the others as I open the locker for the grab bag and head into the bathroom to get changed. I have found that if I roll the suit carefully around the spare track suit it doesn't crinkle too much and I can steam it in the morning. The other suits are back there.

In hell.

I then take the bedroll and replace it with the now carefully rolled suit. I won't need it for a few days apparently, seems I am on suspension. Probably without pay. Least of my worries right now as I head to my secondary sleeping spot, trying not to think if the YMCA and that bed I could have been in tonight. Damn it all to hell.

Where I belong I guess.

As I walk I try not to think too much about it. What happened went so wrong so spectacularly and I can only wonder how long I really have. Did he mean it? Come back in a month? Really?

I know Retcon is probably being prepared for me now and I can't help but wonder who will be sent to administer it. I imagine Gwen with her bleeding heart, her kind words as she tries to appear calm, then weeping as she begs me to explain what happened. No. He won't send her. Not his favourite.

Tosh would probably refuse, pointing out her own mixed feelings on the matter and Jack would listen, and then nod as he pats her shoulder and whispers that it's OK.

Owen?

Yeah, he would volunteer. Eagerly demand it in fact, probably is right now. Jack looking at him and shaking his head as he says that it is his job. Yeah. How do I tell him? Things so twisted now?

I turn another corner and know I am being followed.

Not one of them.

I listen to the footfalls and recognise trainers, several sets. Ah. Great. Chavs. Just what I need. I try to ignore them hoping they will turn another corner but their giggling and strange cooing is getting right up me nose and I know they are looking to chav me. Great.

I spend a couple of minutes going over that in me head. Chavving means to steal. Is that why they are called Chavs? Or did the word come from them doing it? What came first the yobo or the title? I think it's an old word. Chavs and tinkers, Romani word meaning child. Chavi. Right? First in a dictionary in 1950 with the note saying 1850 word? Weird how things go around. God. my brain is whirring tonight, random thoughts popping in like adverts in the middle of your program.

I must have snorted or something because now one of them is snarling at me and I really can't give a toss so I tell him to stuff off. He doesn't like that and grabs at my bed roll. Any other night I would have simply tried to reason with them, talk chav back to show I am one of them in need of some fucking peace. Luckily I am not in my suit so I at least look the part.

But tonight I really don't give a fuck as I swing to face them and count four little thugs, one with a knife already prepared.

Look, and here is one I prepared earlier. Ya know, like those TV commercials.

I know I must seem weird to them, my sigh as I drop my bedroll and step towards them. They probably think I am about to have some sort of argument, plead for my life or at least some compassion. You see, the problem with that is that I was in their shoes once. I was a nasty little shit running about with the other nasty little shits. My Parkour used for things other than peaceful recreation if ya now what I mean. Yah. I was a fucking Hoodlum and it's like muscle memory. You simply stop thinking about it and let yourself move.

The first one with the sneer that reminds me of Owen staunches up, his accent so blatheringly bad that I am having to resist replying in proper Chav just to teach the wee prick how it's done. However as I said earlier, I ain't in the mood bruv.

A simple rabbit punch to his solar plexus takes care of him and he is still standing there with a look of shock as the second dweeb, the one with the knife, swings. It's all too easy and I actually feel sorry for them. There are a lot of good marks out tonight, they could have gone home with a tidy wee swag but they chose me. Silly bastards. I slap at the knife wielding hand, closing my hand around the wrist as I move forward and twist. Sill bugger is just as shocked as his mates when he stabs himself on the thigh. I let go and step back, not really wanting to hurt them and now I feel even more shitty as yet another person bleeds for me tonight.

"Sorry" I mutter as I take another step back and one looks at me more closely then curses as he recognises me. I seen him before too, around the estate where Rhiannon lives. Yeah. Too late he recognises they attacked one of their own and he is telling them so as I pick up my bed roll and slip away.

A flesh wound, I tell myself, just a flesh would. A nice scar for some lie to tell people.

I leave them there, heading though the park to the restaurant Jack took me to once. It was not long after I started and was supposed to be a 'get to know you' polite interrogation sort of thing but I was onto him and we spent the evening dancing around each other's curiosity.

I think of those smiles.

Those before the anger, resentment and disappointment.

Gone now.

Right?

Everything I had. Back there behind that tourist centre door. All gone.

Owen had scoffed at me as he told me to piss off then, go find someone else to give a blow job too for a while. I trued to explain, I had nowhere to go. No where else. Everything I had was right there in that room.

"Well it's all fucking ash now, isn't it" he had scoffed, "All fed to Ferdinand, not a single fucking thing left. All gone. The books, the photos, the fucking blankets, those stuffed toys and half dead roses in the vase. All of it. All gone. In the furnace. Everything wiped clean. Can you taste it? The ash in the back of your mouth? That's the taste of betrayal."

"Owen!" Jack had barked, silencing him and the little bull dog had snorted once more to show his sharp little teeth before stepping back.

How do I tell him?

The dumpster is open one side, it always is this time of night and the food is still warm if I pick carefully. It only takes a minute to climb in, pulling at some packages and making room for me. I unroll the sleeping bag and the other plastic bag that keeps it clean. I wriggle in and pull some of the cardboard boxes over myself for added insulation before letting the food bags fall back down.

There under the closed half of the lid I am safe from rain, safe from prying eyes.

I wonder.

Is it Jack driving with the Retcon in his pocket? Pill or needle?

I snuggle down and feel it, the lump by my feet and I wriggle down to pull up something I thought I had lost.

Lisa's bobble hat.

I hold it tightly and then pull it on for added warmth. The only thing I have left of her now.

And Jack's anger.

Yes I was thinking of him wasn't I. His warm arms, soft mouth and that tongue that could turn me inside out. God, but he could make me beg. That's gone now too, right? Was it ever real? When did we stop playing a game and start actually living the parts we played? Or was it all a game for him? To have turned on me like that, to coldly look at me like that.

He will have reached it by now.

My address.

Is he surprised?

Confused as he stares at the vacant lot. That sad sorry patch of land Lisa and I purchased to build on one day. Silly buggers that we were, thinking there would be a 'one day' eh?

Voices, staff talking as they come out to dump the latest rubbish and I wait patiently, the smell enticing and I rip a bag open to find some lovely gifts. I do like this restaurant.

No. We never did build, I never did get that home with a dog, picket fence and a couple of little hoodies of my own. No. I got Torchwood and Torchwood got me.

Right?

No. This is where I belong.

Garbage.

No. It's all gone now. Everything, like Owen said. All turned to ash and I don't know what to do.

How do I tell him? How do I explain?

Everything I had in the world is there in that Hub?

Jack was all I had.

Nothing left to do.

I curl on my side and drift in and out of sleep.

I weep for my lost love.

For Jack.


	2. another chapter for those bleeding harts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this was supposed ot be a one-shot ya bossy bums! Come on.

I woke to a sound outside the dumpster and freeze as I recognise the breathy moan of a Weevil. Gods, can't get any peace around here, can I.

Great.

Can this night get any better?

Fuck off.

I roll over, burrowing deeper as I wonder if I should shut the other lid but it is trash day tomorrow and even if I did accept death for this dishonour getting squashed in the dump truck's compactor was not my first choice.

Then I hear shuffling and curse, the staff doing the closing time dumping of rubbish. Now will come the screaming and blood. Here I am, not even a bloody weapon...wait. I feel my pockets and find I had kept the knife from earlier, slipping it into my pocket after disarming the Chav without even realising. Of course I did. Training and all that, right?

I also pull out the com unit I still had from the last hunt, looking at it and cursing softly before putting it in my ear and keying Tosh's frequency, "Tosh? You still at work?"

"Ianto?" her voice is soft, full of worry, "Are you OK?"

"I'm in a dumpster behind Jack's favourite restaurant the one with cock in the name?" I sigh as I recall the way he laughs as he says it out loud, "We have a Weevil back here bailing up the staff and I don't have a tazer or spray."

"Stay there in the dumpster" Owen's voice blares in and I wince.

"Where I fucking belong, is it?" I snarl back and there is silence.

"No" Owen says more calmly, "Because they don't look in them. They like garbage cans they can look down into."

"We are about five minutes out" Jack adds and I feel a stab of anger as I realise Tosh has put me on live frequency when she answered, "Just stay hidden."

"There are three civilians out there sir" I scold and I stand to peer out, "One a young female who looks bloody pregnant. If you want to Retcon or kill me it will have to wait, I can't watch and do nothing. I might be a fuck up but I do have some morals."

"No one is calling you a fuck up Pet" Gwen responds and it sounds weird coming from her, "Please, we are turning the corner from the bottle store, just stay safe, yeah?"

I hear the SUV's tyres as it squeals around a corner, distant but closer now. Then a scream and I slide out to stand behind the weevil as it reaches for the trapped staff members. I couldn't wait any longer.

"Oi!" I bark, making it swing to look at me instead. What the hell am I thinking, "What the hell are you doing"

The weevil seems to consider, canting it's head as it moans again. Like it was answering me and I know I am grinning maniacally at it, knowing it is about to charge. Mad, me ya know.

"When it comes for me you all run, OK?" I say calmly without breaking eye contact with the weevil, "You won't reach the back door, go the for dumpster and get in. Help one another and get down once in there."

I don't wait for a reply as it lunges and I dance with it, slapping at those huge claws and taunting it as the staff members clamber for the dumpster and I feel honest regret as I see the two men dive in and forget the girl who stands there with a look of horror.

Shit.

I run towards her, intending to place myself between her and the weevil when the SUV screams past and slams into the wall pining the weevil.

"Out, out" Owen yells at the men, then looking at the woman and knowing instantly what had happened, as does Gwen who calmly tazers the two men as Owen leads the woman away talking softly to her.

I hope he isn't going to Retcon her, no idea what it might do to an unborn child. He will take that into account. Right? Not like I have any right to ask right now. He sure as hell does not owe me anything.

Jack gets out and I go to help pull the weevil off the grill but find myself in Jack's arms as he holds me tightly, shaking with some sort of fever or something.

Is he ill?

"Ianto" Jack sighs against me and I feel that soft feathery breath on my neck as he breaths me in. It feels...well. Almost erotic if not for the fact the entire team is watching and a dead weevil is dripping blood on my shoe.

Yeah.

Romantic right?

"Sir?" I am worried as he clutches as me and I wonder if the airbags deployed or he has hit his head, pulling back to run my fingers across his face to check for any damage.

"I have been looking everywhere for you, what the hell!" Jack splutters as he pulls me back in and it finally dawns on me that he has been worried. Concerned for me. Why? He's going to wipe my memories right?

The team get busy and I get back into the dumpster to get my bedroll, turning to find him there behind me.

"You know, if you are going to Retcon me this is not the best place" I remind him, "This is only a year old. Less than. You will have to take everything at least five years, right back and I would be best to wake up in a dumpster in the old part of town where I will know my way around, even if I am confused."

"Ianto I am not going to Retcon you for the love of..." Jack sighs and looks into my eyes, a sorrow there that seems fathomless and for the first time I wonder.

"Ianto. Please. Come back to the Hub." Jack is pleading and I don't know why. My confusion must show on my face because his is looking so...honest.

"Ianto. Please." He repeats softer this time, his grip still firm on my arms, "Let's talk this though. We all overreacted, this was a bad time and we all acted with less humanity than I would have liked. OK? Come on. I'm sorry. You loved her and she is gone. Everything is gone. I understand that. I have stood in the ashes as well. Come on."

"No Retcon?" I have to know, have to get that out. Even as I struggle not to correct him on the point that not everything is gone. Not if there is still some promise of him.

"No" He sounds sincere and I believe him as I let him lead me to the SUV, her hat still clutched firmly in my hand.

We stop by the station and I pull out my keys to get the bedroll. I watch Jack's face change as he grabs for them, snatching them from my neck and I am too shocked to cry out as the string snaps, leaving a small burn on my neck.

"Give them back!" I don't mean to sound as angry as I do finally regain my senses but damn it all he just hurt me. Now he stands there staring at me, then he gently places them in my hand with a look of chagrin.

"Sorry Ianto" he whispers, I find that I believe him as I re-tie the string and let the keys nestle against my skin once more and I know why he did it so I forgive him. He snorts, "Retcon wouldn't have worked anyway, would it. Not with that filter. What a clever wee enigma you are Jones, Ianto Jones. No. I have no intention of letting you go. Come on, let's get breakfast, yeah?"

Now he knows.

Maybe it's better this way.

He's not the only one with a fucking Tardis key.

.

.

.

.

Now stop it you lot! So damned bossy. OK? He lives.


	3. And so we continue...

The spoon is clinking against the side of the cup and I know that twitch in the corner of my eye is starting as he lowers the spoon and looks apologetic.

"So"

So? That's it? He takes me to a cafe and buys me a shit coffee so he can say 'so' like it's everything?

"Ianto, what happened cannot be changed" he began and again I feel my anger flare as I realise he is about to handle me for the love of the Gods.

"If you are going to give me the kesera sera speech then please don't Sir" I sigh softly, "I am well aware of fixed points. I just don't have any part in the next steps. Do I now."

Jack is staring at me and it slowly dawns on me that he had no idea what I am talking about.

Really?

"Ianto, I ..." he is struggling now and I felt remorse for my outburst as he was not up with the play. I had just assumed that he was ... that he knew all this and to sit and realise he had no idea of the events about to unfold makes me consider another possibility.

"It's not fixed."

"Ianto?" Jack was reaching out, enclosing my hand with his, "What is not fixed."

"He lied."

Jack leans back and laughs softly, "If you are talking about our Mad Man in a Box, then yeah. He lies."

"Son of a...loom!" I frown as I fail to find a good curse for him, after all there is no mother is there. Not his kind and I seem to amuse Jack even more as he laughs.

"OK" I might as well let him in. Why not.

"The fall of the Tower had to happen. How else does Rose wind up in the parallel Verse, right? Lisa's little rampage had to happen because only she can cause the damage to the Rift in death with her mini reactor exploding in the..." A small sound in Jack's ear is probably Owen screaming right now that the boiler room had gone up, "the Rift Manipulator has been damaged. Nothing serious but when the team betrays you and opens the damn thing it means I can close it again while they are all playing grab arse with you and Abbadon. Don't ask, look. Jack, I don't know what else to say here. We both know the Doctor and we both know he manipulates us like fucking marionettes. Sometimes I feel like he is the omnipotent God and we are his ants. Ya know?"

"The team will betray me" Jack repeats and I see the pain in his eyes, the thought of it. Maybe I shouldn't have said but this seems to be a day for truths. Why not. It's already gone awry. I was supposed to be just another homeless waif until the Abbadon thing happens. I suppose at least now I don't have to worry about getting into the hub.

Gods, all those back doors and subroutines in Mainframe and all I had to do was tell him the truth? The King of Lies?

"Jack, I've been here before, albeit as someone else" I slide forward in my seat, "The Doctor did one of his 'fake throw and turn while still holding the ball' things he does sometimes. He's played me, played us. Something big is coming and we have to weather the storm, OK? We have to let him have his...whatever he wants from us. He has a reason for dumping me here, thinking I could save her a second time only to fail as miserably as I did the first. At last I got her off the table this time, look. Something is in play, some game he is playing and we are either clearing the road for him or we are the roadblock presented. I don't know, neither do you. Best not hurt your primitive human ape brain trying to figure it out."

"You sounded just like him then" Jack's smile is blinding and I realise he is not even panicking. It seems that the moment I said the Doctor was behind this he relaxed. This fixed point and fluid time thing was starting to make sense as I talked.

"He wants something, only reason he did this. For all his pretence to care about us, I know he cares little for me. Must. I cannot tell you what happened to me, let's just say I paid for my failure to save her, a thousand deaths I have suffered as punishment for that."

"Not your fault" Jack soothes, not understanding at all and I wonder if I am making the right move here, maybe I don't need to tell him. He doesn't need to know, after all it is my loss. My pain. My burden to carry, I can never put it down and trying to let someone else carry some of the weight is wrong, not when I earned that right in my heart of hearts.

Gods, I am so tired that I am waxing lyrical again and my brain box hurts.

"Jack, I'm tired hungry and cold" I finally admit, letting him thought enough of my firewalls to feel it though his touch against my wrist and he pulls his hand back as it scalded by it, maybe I relaxed the security barriers a bit too much there.

"Come on, we will get the meals to go, you can eat in the bath" he offers and I want to weep at such a suggestion. Eat a hot meal in a hot cleansing bath.

How could he know that is my favourite comfort?

Well, now I have to wonder how deep he got in just then, that momentary lapse in blocking. How much of my pain does he see now?

I knew he was empathic the first time I reached to touch his neck and he pulled away as if I were about to rip his larynx out. I think I just underestimated how powerful he is and now as we walk to the SUV I feel his hand on my neck, his thumb stroking behind my ear and the urge to purr is overwhelming as he turns my head to look into my eyes.

Just us here in the dark, just me and my Captain.

"It's OK" he whispers, "I know."

I sigh as he opens the door and I clamber in to wait for him to walk around as I clutch the food containers and hide my fear.

He knows nothing.

How can I tell him?

When he looked into me, I looked back.

I saw her, his Alice. I saw his pain and regret at the lost of his child, could he see my own pain?

That's the thing about pain, loss.

The abyss.

Looking into it can drive you insane.

Koschei told me so before Theta made him leave me alone.


	4. Fear and reason

So he pretends to have forgiven me and I pretend I forgave me too.

It is a weird little dance we do, sort of like a sword dance but it's not your feet that could get cut, it's your heart, ya now?

I fear.

Always had a problem with that. Fear. I fear he will change his mind and turn on me again. I fear I will deserve it. I fear he will see me. Like, really see me. I know I am flawed, stupidly so and this broken, useless me is waiting on a knife's edge.

Lots of sharp things in my brain box isn't there?

"Right, so I think we should just go for it, cut and see if it explodes like the last one." Owen is talking as I walk about pouring coffee and trying to look as bland as the decor. This room could really benefit from a little colour, maybe the chairs could... "Ianto?"

Shit.

"Yes Gwen?"

"Any chance of a hobnob?"

Smile. Cant head. Slide from room.

I am re-entering the room when Jack curses, rising to touch the screen and it changes to show a ship nestled in some clover somewhere. I don't like this, not at all and I place the plate down for Gwen with infinite care. Wouldn't do to have a nervous breakdown in front of everyone. They already hate me for my weakness.

Or is it just me?

"Well, when did they land?" Jack is talking down the phone as he watches the screen and I finally see the Unit insignia at the corner of the picture. Ah. Right. So they don't quite know how to go forward with a fully intact ship with obviously live passengers. "Well for the love of gods, don't approach them. Funny lot these, piss them off and they will go Ripley on your arse, the whole 'nuke you from space' scenario."

I recognise the markings and the strange shape of the vessel. Great. Now I feel ill and am forced to stand quietly counting prime numbers in my head as I try to think about how to get shit done here. Jack turns and looks straight at me like he heard my internal conflict, his eyes narrowing slightly. For the first time I wonder if he can. Hear me. Fear heightens and I swallow. Smile weakly and look away.

Pussy.

The SUV squeals off and I am left alone, confused and terribly smelly, the fear wafting off me like a cheap cologne so I go down to feed the guests. Janet is sulking, has been for a few days so I give her an extra pumpkin. I know why she is sad. Christmas isn't far away, first snows due soon. Autumn is ending and this is the time she was found by Owen burying her dead child. She mourns. I know that. I understand the loss so deep that your guts keep falling to onto your shoes when you walk.

We spend a few minutes talking. Well, I talk and she sighs a lot, her clawed hand on the glass where mine rests so we can commune. Then her hand drops, her pain as raw as my fear and she retreats to curl in the corner and call her child's name.

I do the same.

In my little office hidden in the bowels of the archives where I can properly rail at the worlds for the loss I must endure. My shitty loss.

They're back, my coms scratchy as it crackles and Jack pleads for coffee so I rise and straighten myself up, heading upstairs with a determined air. Janet is right. Only we can feel this agony of living. The defeat in surviving. What purpose would there be to inflict this pain of the others. Those still alive, not walking dead with our hearts exploded everywhere.

Quite poetic thongs ... Weevils, ya know.

They are not alone.

I feel the cold hand on the back of my neck and smell her scent for a moment as I look at them and then it's gone. My fear bleeding away through my shoes as I stare at the one who is the captain of the vessel, her youngling at her breast as she talks to Jack. Calm. She motions with her hands, telling him about the loss of power and need to land.

So sad.

What a pity.

Aww.

Shame.

A beacon called them?

Really?

They tell him what they need and he grins as he tells them he had several, can spare one form the archives, his confidence overflowing as Tosh calls up the pictures on screen and they choose like it's a supermarket or something. On-line shopping from the comfort of your own Secret Hub. She looks down at her youngling and coos. So much love.

You know, there is a moment, between fear and anger like a void. All black in your soul, your mind totally blanking out and all that you have left is the black void for a soul. Apparently some see red, I only know the blackness of eternity in a single moment.

Then the anger will slam in like a tidal wave of emotion so I know I have to act quickly and I am striding forward, the baby handed off to another crew member who is slightly uncomfortable with the honour so it is easy, so damned easy to simply scoop the youngling from his arms and click softly as I retreat to the corner of the room where I can look closely at it. Too young. Definitely new, barely a rell old. Not yet decided it's designation it's so new. Cute as a button and I smile without meaning too as it blinks up at me then that feeling niggles. The reminder that I have pain somewhere in the back of my brain and I straighten to look around the room.

All busy with their own shit, nobody looking at me.

I leave.

I go to my office down in the bowels and settle to wait, I know this is a weird option but the safest I can think of for the others who will be just as shocked and confused. I couldn't warn them, no way to without detection. These creatures are low level empaths and I would have given myself away if not for the void of nothing in my soul. I now wish I had found the chance to tell him. Would he have stopped me though?

Now in the safety of my room I start to feel a trickle, here it comes.

I rage.

I roar and scream with my pain, my rage and my despair. Then I realise I am scaring the youngling, not hr fault this has happened, no, not hr fault at all and I struggle to calm myself and find a spot on my heart that is not full of hate and rage for hr kind. I think if my beloved, in my arms. The smell, the feeling of that weight. The youngling stops crying and it becomes more calm.

Me too.

Coms crackle.

" _Ianto?"_

"Sir?"

" _Ianto, you don't have their baby do you by any chance? We seem to have misplaced it"_

"Yes. I have Hr with me."

" _Ah. Thank the gods, bring it back will you?"_

"No."

As I had hoped I can hear the sharp intake of breath from the female as she realises I have her youngling and intend keeping it, her voice sharp as she demands it back in the common language, too angry to speak in English. My Galactic Standard is rusty but I have a key that helps and I know I am grinning maniacally into the room, her child in my arms. The power from the invisible lift stone helps give the key extra weight as it channels what I need.

I take a moment for the memories to sort themselves, those hurtful to fade enough for those important to gain power and I answer in Galactic Standard with as much calm as I can muster even as I know she will 'feel' my hatred in the words.

"You took mine, I take yours" I say smoothly, "Fair trade. You are all about trade and consequence Mervig. Yes? You and I are even now."

I lean forward and key in the CCTV for the conference room then watch her melt down, tantrum and explode in a wonderful display of maternal grief as her minions aim weapons and threaten, cajole and basically panic.

Then they go still as she releases Jack, he falls back into his chair and she now knows he is innocent, they all are. No idea what the hell I am doing. I watch her touch each one, their memories, thoughts and feelings all telling her so much, yet nothing at all.

She will not get me that way.

Now it is her turn.

She who must feel it.

I resist the urge to lean forward as the scar on my belly itches. It always does when I think of her, when I must remember what I have lost. I resist the urge to ask her how it feels.

That fear.

I settle with the baby in my arms and croon, wondering if the old files on these are accurate. Where to get some goats milk and how to slip out of the base. Well, that's easy, same way I came in I guess.

I rise and walk confidently to the lower docks and we board the River Queen II without much fanfare and the moment my hand reaches for the automatic door opener I feel something new. It surprises and confuses me as I stand on the bridge of the vessel, a baby in one arm, the other reaching for freedom.

I feel Jack's fear.

For me.

Damn. Inconvenient this thing. Fear. Especially the affection that entwines it like a weed. Damn.

No.

This is not about me.

It's about her.

I nose the boat out into the bay and throttle out, letting her rise majestically to crest the waves and we head towards the safest place I know right now, the last place he will look.

By now she will know she has lost, I have this one and she has only herself to blame for what she took from me.

As I step onto the dock and look back at Cardiff I feel nothing. As Big Tony secures the vessel and talks to me about a new litter of puppies he looks down and finally sees the baby, his voice petering out.

I hand it over, not caring now as I have accomplished what I needed to.

I wait.

" _Ianto?"_

I had forgotten the coms and I freak-out momentarily before remembering the dampening field around this island, he can't trace the coms here.

"Sir."

" _Ianto, care to tell me why you took their youngling? She is quite pissed. Come on, let's all calm down and talk about it, yea?"_

"She cannot destroy the planet if her child is on it" I explain as I close my eyes to enjoy the sea mist rolling into the bay, "She can leave if she wants, stay if she wants, do whatever she wants. Same options she gave me. And like she said to me, the baby will never be returned."

The silence is telling, as is the distant scream. I knew I was on speaker, that tell-tale crackle. Hope she is enjoying this. Their race is all about revenge and honour after all, right? She must get the irony.

" **Where is my child!"**

I tilt my head and listen to the chaos as they speak in their mother-tongue, of course I understand it and know they are considering options so I remind her, "I can kill Hr and you would not know. Spend the rest of your days searching and never find a ghost. Isn't that what you said to me?"

The silence is now telling and I close my eyes with relief.

Still alive then.

That a been a bluff.

Right?

" _Tit for tat" she finally says, "Mine for yours."_

"That was not part of the deal" I can't believe I am so calm, actually taunting her now, "You were quite specific about the rules when you did this. When you set this in motion. This is all your fault Mervig. You must pay for your crime and this is the justice of my people. Yes. Tit for Tat. You took, I take. We are even."

" _We have it, wait"_

she is begging, a strange thing for their kind and I am curious, torn.

_"Please. It is my only youngling, my others gone to me. Please."_

"And mine was not my first?" I snarl with an anger that I cannot control "My only? My all? You ripped her from my arms like a growth. A cancer, not the preciousness that she truly was? I am kinder than you, I at least gave you nice memories, moments of affection to remember. Take that with you Mervig."

" _A quarter Rell, I can get it for you, please"_

She is frantic now, her fear raw as she realises she is fucked. Good and proper fucked as I consider, surprised to find myself even weighing it up. Mine is gone. Dead. I know that. She knows that. This is a stalling tactic while they search for options. They cannot return what is dead.

But I am having fun now, I am finally feeling something I never thought I could feel after losing her.

I feel....

Fearless.

.

..

.

.You have no one to blame but yourself, asking for more and poking at me with that stick of yours. See what you get? How long will I punish you for your insolence? Hmmmm?


	5. A real Gem

" _Ianto? Tiger?"_

I had fallen asleep, stupid thing to do but there ya go, I am weak like that. The chance to rest was not one I could afford to let go, not knowing when I might again.

Well, I guess I will sleep when I am dead, right?

"Sir?" I grimace at my croaked reply and know he is probably doing the same.

" _Mervig wants a word please"_

Jack is calm but underneath it I hear his fear, a soft waiver only I can hear and I wonder if his fear is for the team, she wouldn't threaten them would she?

"Of course" I sit up and rub my face, wondering when Margaret stole the baby again, then concentrating as she begins to talk in my native tongue, something that she is unhappy about but she is reaching here.

Must be, to even attempt the vowels.

" _Please. I have her, please return and we can swap. No harm no foul. Please. You were clever and I applaud you. We agree. Yes? No anger or blame. No payback. You come bring Hr and I give you her."_

"I can't hear her" I say with a simple frown as I rush to the other room where Margaret as feeding the youngling. I listen and the faint cry of a child can be heard, my knees going weak as I wonder if it is real, if she is real.

"Sir?"

" _Yes Ianto"_

"Is Owen there?"

" _Here"_

He is pissed, right royally and his barked answer tells me a myriad of things. Pissed, afraid and also excited. Of course, he is enjoying watching Jack twist. Little shit.

"Owen could you please test the child's DNA, tell me if it's human or not?" I ask as I search for the PDA in my backpack, "If Toshiko could sent a photo so I can see what she looks like? I would be ever so grateful."

" _K"_

Oh boy, a single letter. Not even the regulatory two an 'OK' is used? I am in the shit eh? Find myself grinning.

While I wait I reclaim the baby, letting the coms stay open as it coos and laughs as I giggle at it.

Mervig is heard crying and her joy is raw as she realises I have not killed it yet. Like I could. How can I look at Hr wee face and even consider such a thing. I am not one of them.

I am a monster of a different colour. Right?

" _Oi, Ianto"_

Owen's voce is soft, a different com link and I know he has twigged, his voice full of confusion and remorse.

" _She matches the data base. You know that though right? The DNA markers."_

"Yes, I had hoped but feared she had simply stolen someone's child off the street to appease me. It's real, she's real? The DNA matched?" I can't hide my raw need, trying not to squeeze the baby too tightly.

" _She is a little girl, about eighteen months old, maybe a wee bit more. Blonde hair, blue/grey eyes and a wee cupids bow that turns to a thin line of disapproval. The DNA confirms it. I don't understand but I know what I am seeing. Tell me what you need."_

"I need to come back and swap hers for mine" I reply, "I need the little one separated so she doesn't kill her the moment I enter the room as a show of defiance. I need the child back."

" _Done."_

"Thank you Owen."

" _When all this is over I want a talk, a real one. A 'Once Upon a Time' kinda talk not a 'here's the brief outline' kinda one, OK? I want to know how this child can be so much you it's almost like she's a clone."_

"She is, sort of" I reply, relieved and knowing Owen will keep his promise, "She is a genetically engineered version of me, a female one. They did it so they could force us to reproduce, wanted me to breed with my own child once she was old enough. Pets, like animals. Owen, that is my child, the scar on my stomach is the C-Section that birthed her. I held her, loved her, cherished her and they took her away when they realised we grow so damned slowly."

" _Fuck"_

"Owen please, I am coming now."

" _On it."_

"I do not doubt it my friend" I do not doubt him at all.

I entered the same way I had left, confident they hadn't worked it out ... of course not.

Silly apes.

I went up through the levels and entered from under the stairs, watching as Owen and Gwen corralled my child in a corner, Gwen stroking the little blonde ringlets ... ah gods, her hair was golden.

Mervig stood with Jack watching a screen, the Plass. They thought I had left that way? No. Jack knew I hadn't, the lift hadn't moved. He was deliberately distracting them and I felt a rush of affection that had him slowly turning his head so he could see me out the corner of his eye.

So.

Knew it.

Bastard was empathic like me.

"Mervig?"

She spun and had a sob of relief as she saw her child in my arms, then paused as she saw the blade.

"Mervig, we have an agreement, witnessed by our peoples? Yes? Tit for Tat. Exchange without repercussion?" I demand, needing it said clearly as they were a people of their word.

"I will leave and not return. I will not seek you or her and I will accept that you won" she said slowly, her hands reaching.

"We both win" I say softly in my native tongue, "Everybody lives."

I let her take the child and retreat, her face full of joy and I watch the member of her crew take a step towards my child. I sigh as I flick my wrist and catch the baby under the chin, Mervig still too close to get clear of my ire.

"Mervig, you lie. Your Gods will punish you" Galactic standard now, I do hate my own language so, GS is so much easier on the tongue. She looks over at her crew member who has frozen, his hand with the weapon pointing at my child also frozen as I snarl, "Shame. Shame on your house."

"Bikore, stand down before I gut you in front of the young" she snarls, her fury rising "I made a pact, I have given my word. How dare you blight my name."

I am free to move to my daughter who is sitting on Gwen's knee and I gather her into my arms, smell her and feel a release, shocked to feel wetness on my face and realise I am crying.

"My baby girl" I sob, holding her close, "My little flower. Oh, my Gem."

"I think you need to go now" Jack is calm, superman calm, "I think we are all done. You got the part for your ship and we both got our respective arses handed to us by my unsuspecting Tiger over there. Goodbye Mervig. Best you not come this way again."

I watch them leave, Gwen offering to drive them back to their vessel and I hear Jack softly tell Mervig that if she tries to negotiate with Gwen as a hostage he will not care, she is new anyway.

A bluff, but a good one as I watch Gwen blanche. Mervig will know she is new, her scanning will have told her that with the handshake from Gwen. Green. Jack's would have been as shaking the hand of a corpse, his shielding so intense.

My daughter.

My little world.

Gemima.

My Gem.

I hold her and feel joy as she closes her eyes and sniffs, recognising the unique smell of her first few days of life, her parental.

I hold a wee miracle in my arms and watch Jack approach to kneel and smile softly as he strokes her hair. I feel no fear, only joy as I look down and smile at him.

"So. This is the cause of all this fuss, eh?" he is talking softly to her, her smile disarming, "Aren't you the one."

"She is mine" I sat proudly, "I grew her, in my stomach, just below my heart, next to my heart. Do you see Cariad? Do you see my child? Grown in me, not even..."

Jack looks up and his hand on my wrist catches it, our bond stronger than ever and he doesn't beathe as he stares into my eyes with wide eyed wonder.

"Not even what? She seems fucking perfect" Owen says as he scans her quietly.

"Loomed" Jack finishes for me, his breath a sharp huff, "The language you were speaking to Mervig that I couldn't get my VM to translate. I knew it was familiar. Well, well, well. She did catch a Tiger by its tail."

No more secrets.

No more lies.

I can tell him now.

It's safe.

"Gallifreian" I agree "The language of my people, yes Cariad. My Captain. My beloved."

"And your name?"

"I am the Archivist but I prefer Ianto now, I like the way you say it."

Jack is still stroking my wrist and I feel a flood of love, joy and regret that it hurt me to speak the name I had earned out loud.

I know it confuses him, this feeling that lingers in the back, behind my joy.

Regret.

I hate the fact I was once one of them, I revel in this new life with this race of people.

Oh how I wish I were human too.

I hate being a Timelord.


	6. MY heartbeat is just for one

Gem is sleeping and I can't bear to leave her for a minute but I know I must, moving from Jack's office across to the conference room where they are waiting for me.

"OK. I am not sure where to start so I will just begin at the point of importance and when I am finished you can ask questions, yes?" I settle against the wall, wanting to stand, feeling the need to run but swallowing it down, "Cariad, I know your questions will be the hardest so please keep them for last, some of the others might explain enough?"

Jack nods and I swallow as I consider my first move.

"I was taken during a night excursion. I was walking home from the library, totally immersed in my own thoughts when I found myself in the hold of a ship. I knew I was in trouble and played it dumb for a long as I could but they started killing some of the others they had taken" I could see Owen making notes and continued. "I had to say something, if only to let them know I understood what they were saying. I begged for the life of a woman who was with child, they had not realised and were curious. They almost killed her in their examinations and I had to speak, to save her and the child."

Gwen looks in the direction of Jack's office and I know what she is thinking, "No. Not that one. This is my child. They took my DNA and put it in a special machine, added a dash of something to make it female and then placed the embryo back in me. They did not understand that we do not make babies that way, their kind do not have a single sex. Male and female both able to reproduce. They watched, prodded and enjoyed, even my pain and discomfort interested them. When she was of a good size they cut her from me. They made a mess and I almost died, they did not understand that I was of a different anatomy but they did their best."

I pause and reach for the glass of water Tosh is offering, her smile soft and as our fingers brush I seek, finding nothing but understanding and compassion. I hide my relief as I nod my thanks and take a deep gulp, then continue, "They were alarmed when they found that we grow so slowly, that we live so long. They expected her to grow and we would mate, create another one to play with, like pets. Discovering that she will take years to be of breeding age was a disappointment, then they wondered what would happen if they bred her to someone else. I became angry and I stood up to them, I asked for them to let her be. I guess they thought I was too possessive so they sent me back. Alone."

Now I need a minute, turning to face the wall as I struggle with the emotions and when I turn back it is Jack who stands beside me, shielding me from them as I struggle. "Sorry."

"No" Jack is stern, yet his hand on my wrist is gentle, his thumb rubbing softly, "Finish your story love."

The term of endearment almost kills me, my poor weak heart flopping as I pull myself together.

"I went to the only place I could think of, Torchwood. Of course Yvonne saw me as a wonderful gain" I pause and consider my words, Jack's hand tightening on my wrist slightly, "Lisa was my handler. My ...well. My watcher. I did love her, in a fashion. She knew my file inside out, she also knew about Gem. I also knew Yvonne was still communicating with Mervig and my baby was long gone but alive as her pet. I accepted my lot, I gave up the things I had lost and I moved forward. That's what we do, have to do. Move forward. I let her go."

"And now you have her back" Gwen is trying to chew through something an I wonder what it is, unable to ask but she tells me as she always does, "She's not human then? I mean, if she has other bits in her?"

I don't know if it was my flinch or Jack's that warned her but she rises with her hands out to apologise, "No, no I didn't mean it like that, sorry. I don't mean she is less or ...I just...she is different."

"We are all different" Jack's voice is calm but his hand is a vice on my wrist as he sends calming waves, not realising how finely tuned I am, his anger and hurt raw as her words insult the other alien in the room.

"My daughter has a touch of another species in her called Bladesinger, or Windy-Woos as we sometimes called them" I finally say, regaining Jack's attention as he stares at me, the question thrumming between us and I cannot help but smile, "Yes Cariad. The warrior race with the singing blades. Quite the mix. Then again, we are all a little different these days."

"Only one heart" Jack asks and I nod, then know that is not truthful so I shake my head.

"They damaged it, the second one" my hand goes to my side without thinking, "when they grew her, it cost me that secondary heart. I only have one working for now."

"For now" Jack repeats as he nods, understanding that a regeneration could do anything, cause anything.

"I might not survive" I whisper, "A regen might kill me. I can't run as fast these days."

Jack laughs as he pulls me close, his body warmth soothing.

"So, when Lisa died, when we killed her we killed the final link to your child" Tosh finally understands my despair that day, the concern for me showing on her face, "no wonder your heart broke."

"He has two?" Gwen says for no other reason than to fill the space with her voice and I feel Jack stiffen against me, his anger filing my mouth like blood.

"Hush" I whisper, "Enough secrets for one day Cariad."

He looks into my face and nods, letting his own secrets settle once more.

After all ...I still have one more.


	7. One last secret between lovers of such things

"Owen" I remember my promise, "You have questions?"

"You said... you said there were others" he says with his pen tapping the page, "How many?"

"I am unsure but there were about twelve of us in the holding bay" I reply as I try to recall their faces but it was so long ago, "I do not know what happened to them."

Owen nods, satisfied with that as he leaned back and then he looks up again another question forming, "You are not one of us?"

"I am an alien race, yes" I agree calmly as Jack swings to place himself between me and the team. I am infinitely touched by this and touch his back gently to soothe, "I am a Timelord, you know of the Doctor? One of those."

"But no Tardis" Tosh nods.

Ah.

Jack senses my hesitation and he claps his hands, "Alright, that's enough for one day. We are all upset and confused. I suggest we sleep on it. There is a little girl who needs comfort right now, she is in a strange place and must be so scared. Tomorrow we will talk again, OK?"

They start to file out and Owen hesitates, turning to face me again, "They hurt you."

"Immensely" I agree, "But I am still here."

"Good" he mutters, I am still being surprised by his small signs of affection as he swings back and smiles, then ran after Gwen. I do hope that isn't what it looks like.

Gods.

Jack has left the room and I see him leaning over my child, the flash of anger not coming as he watches her and I know he is studying her out of interest, not morbid curiosity. Then his face lights up and he smiles so I know she is awake and must be smiling up at him, his voice soft as he gently gathers her up and holds her against him, rocking her gently.

Part of me wants to go in and take her but the larger part of me wants to go on there and join in.

So I do.

"Where will she sleep?" Jack whispers with wide eyes over her head, "She needs a bed, poor wee Squishy is so tired."

Ahhhh. He gave her a pet name.

I feel such a flood of affection and lust that I lean in and kiss him, letting him taste my desire before pulling back to see his eyes are still closed as he drinks me in.

"Wow"

"Come on, down to my office." I sigh, the last secret still coming up, I have to get it out, get it done whether I want to or not.

We enter and I turn to face him, deciding on the one final act that will either bind us or break us. I have faith. I must have faith in him. My Captain.

"Close the door Cariad."

Jack obediently pushes the door closed behind him with his foot and then looks at me with raised eyebrows. I go to my desk and pull out the top drawer, a hard task ahead of me as I must reconfigure my archives for this new development and he watches as I twiddle, flick and thump, then sit back.

"What...was than an earthquake?" Jack is looking up as he tries to understand the movement beneath his feet and I can't help but smile at his silliness. He knows what he felt, feels. Just needs to focus. A hint maybe?

I tap the desk top and release it, the console springing to life as the flight deck slowly emerges from the stacks.

"Welcome to my Tardis" I whisper softly as Jack turns in a slow circle, his face ashen.

"Emilie, also called Em. M. Get it?" I don't mean to play but he looks so sweet with his childlike wonder, "My Tardis is called Emilie. You have been hearing her song. You call her M as well, Tosh thinks it means Mainframe."

"A Tardis. A bloody Tardis right here in this room the entire time" he whispers and then to my relief he starts to laugh, large barks as his head falls back and my little one looks up at him with interest from his arms. Her little hand goes to his throat to feel the undulation as he laughs, her face glowing with glee.

"She has been dormant for a long time, the wee one on your desk started to sing and it woke her. Now you know why I had to come here with Lisa" I reach for my child and coo as her face nuzzles into my neck. I walk through the door and down the hallway to a newly developed room that will be hers now. Em did a lovely job and it is all crystals and pretty lights. Her little bed is like a nest, more Bladesinger than Gallifreyan and I know she did this from scanning my wee chick.

Not for the first time, I wonder how much of this species is in her. They may have lied about the percentages, it would not surprise me. She clearly only has one heart or Owen would have said so.

Jack has followed and I don't mind as I let him step forward to check she is happy, his hand reaching out to smooth her little curls and I feel the affection there.

"Jack, I am sorry this was all hidden from you, I know you hate that" I try to explain, "You of all people know the importance of being secretive. All things have reason, ripples must reach the shore eventually, right? In their own time?"

"Ianto, I don't need a long winded explanation...is that your name?" Jack straightens and looks at me.

"As much as Jack is yours" I feel myself snapping and grimace, "Sorry."

"No. You're right. I am Jack now. Who I once was, was another person. You are Ianto now" he nods to show he accepts it.

"Yes. She is Gemima, you are Jack and I am Ianto" I like this game, feel myself starting to perk up once more, "But I have to say, Owen is still a twat."

Jack laughs softly as he looks around, "Your Tardis is similar to his, but â€¦not."

"Em is slightly different, a different model." I agree, "This one was my uncle's. Sitting in the garage as a spare. Seemed so easy."

"So. Here we are" Jack says as if it tells us everything and in that moment...

It did.

We were both right here.

I check the time and find it is barely nine in the morning, my smile surprising us both.

"Yes Cariad, here we are. Three impossible things before breakfast."

Then his lips touch mine and we dance to the soft singing of my Tardis.

What is there left to tell?


	8. thoughts given name

Well maybe there is one more thing to tell you before you decide.

I can only tell you what I feel I relevant. Please forgive me if this feels like I am blowing smoke up your arse, I swear this is not so, although I do admit to finding the imagery of that reference interesting.

Now Em is awake, I know he will come. He can't not come. Whether he likes it or not, his Tardis will hear the song of mine and come as we are so few now you know. It is a matter of choice.

I can continue to pretend that I am here on this rock as one of her ants…. Or I can flee. Now, I must warn you, I am a Timelord and we do run so very well but I am slower these days with a damaged heart, a lovely but tempting Captain and my Gem. My little Gemima.

Of course I have Em. Yes. That's right.

As I do not age, neither does Jack … we can go where and when we want. Stay, go… jump. Come back… they would never know if not for the fact my daughter will change appearance as her lifeline is not set at an Adult age. That's how we work…grow so slow and when we reach our peak we…stall …or of course those pesky regens occur.

I watch Jack now, hovering over the child he calls Squishy like she is some little sweetling and I see that to him she is. He sees her as herself, not a piece of me, a possible child to him. He looks down at the little golden haired sweetling and see her for her own merit and loves her. This is a strange thing to come to terms with, us Gallifreyan do not love easily. We try, but we are fickle. It is said that to love one so strongly we might burn out the suns is to endanger the very fabric of time we are supposed to be protecting.

Who knows.

I see him with her and finally understand that point, I finally feel the burn deep in our souls. Souls. Yeah. Timelord remember? Lots crammed into the package.

I have had what some might call a rough go of it … is that the term? I do like the way that one sounds, like sandpaper had sloughed me raw or one of those car washes has attacked leaving me a huddled mess of quivering wetness, red welts from those brushes and… sorry. I do let my mind wander.

.

..

.

"Squishy?" Jack's voice was soft and full of affection as he watched the little one stretch and yawn her way to wakefulness, then movement in the corner of the room had him turning his head to see Ianto for the first time, furled like a dragon or something in the chair.

His legs pulled up and his arms wrapped around them like he had been hugging….oh. Jack straightened up as he let the little one wake and he approached Ianto, "Hey, you OK?"

"Yeah, just musing."

"That can be dangerous, have you not heard of the terminal condition known as life?" Jack joked, "are you really OK? Is something worrying you?"

"Just thinking, Em is awake and singing. Louder than the coral on your desk ever could. I wonder if another Tardis might hear it and come" Ianto could not lie, "I wonder if Theta might come."

"Theta?"

Ianto let him have a moment to consider the Gallifreyan name before he corrected gently, "You call him the Doctor."

Jack blinked, "That's his real name? Theta? Doesn't that mean a decline in time or something? One of its meanings? Really?"

"Yes" Ianto snorted, "But … it's also a polar coordinate. He was loomed to be a Timelord, flying is in his blood."

"And you?" Jack's mind was whirring as he now knew Ianto not only knew the Doctor, he knew him on a personal level, enough to … "When did you first meet?"

"School" Ianto replied as he rose and stalked across to look down to the now awake and listening child, "We all went to school, we were not created with all knowing intelligence ya know."

"So… you are…"

"Old?" Ianto looked back over his shoulder and grinned, "Says Peter Pan."

Jack snorted as he watched Ianto lift Gemima then offer her, rushing to accept her with glee as her little face rubbed into his chest.

"Well, how is my Squishy Beanny Bum today?" Jack gushed as he walked over to check her night time pull-up nappy and completely revert to a mess.

Was kind of nice.

Ianto didn't go back to the thinking chair.

That sort of thing could do your head in ya know.

Wondering if you were making the right decision.

To stay.


End file.
